Episode One: Pilot

Cast: Brandon, Quentin, Devon, Delivery Girl, Emma, Waiter

 Scene 1 - 

Int- College Dormitory. Open on Brandon playing a video game on the couch of a college dorm room. He’s muttering things to himself as he plays in excitement. All of the sudden, the door swings open, and Devon walks in. He is covered from head to toe in flour, and stands there looking defeated. The two make eye contact, Brandon is extremely bewildered, and they hold this gaze for about 15 seconds (pause for comedic effect).

 Brandon (shakily): Wha… What happened to you?

Devon (with zero emotion or expression): I got hit by a truck.

Brandon: WHAT!?!

He scrambles off the couch, running towards Devon, goes to put his hands on Devon’s shoulders, realizes it would coat him in the flour, pauses kind of awkwardly with is hands kind of just lingering between the two of them.

Brandon: Oh my gosh, dude, are you okay?

Devon: Yeah, they just bumped me backing out. I’m fine.

Brandon: So you’re not hurt?

Devon: Not a scratch.

Brandon goes back to his seat and sits down.

Brandon: Wait, wait wait. You got hit by a car? But you’re fine.

Devon: A truck. And yes.

Brandon (with a sigh of relief): Ok, that’s good. (Pause as the elephant in the room becomes apparent (there is not a real elephant, this is a metaphor)). So what about… he trails off, gesturing to Devon.

Devon: Oh this? This is flour. (He says it like it should have been obvious).

Brandon: How did you end up covered in flour?

D: The truck

B: How?

D: Dude. It was a flour truck. What’s so hard to understand?

B: You were inside a flour truck?

Devon shakes his head in exasperation, flower plumes from his head. He sits down on the couch across from Brandon, and a cloud of flour puffs up from him.

D: Look, man. I went to go to the bakery, to buy some bread, right? Simple task. Only, I put the wrong thing in the GPS machine, you know, the thingy. (He mimes pushing buttons). So I’m typing it in, right, and autocorrect kicked in, and I put flower store instead of flour store.

From offscreen,

Quentin: Ooo, buying flowers, huh? Who’s the lucky lady?

Quentin walks in. He is wearing black pants, a non-matching suit above a V-neck tee shirt, and a tie with the inner strap hanging well below his belt and the larger part reaching maybe halfway down his chest. He sits down, for the first time notices D covered in flour. He squints, rubs his eyes, blinks a few times, to make sure he’s not dreaming.

Q: They do that at the flower store?

B (Shaking His Head, looking from Q back to D): Wait, why wouldn’t you just type in bakery?”

D (visibly frustrated): Do not patronize me right now, okay! I forgot one word! Anyway-

Q: Wait, were you buying her bread? Why?

D (leans forward a bit, gives Q a face of visible confusion): Who is her?

Q: I don’t know, you tell me.

D (beginning to raise voice): Well, I don’t know either.

Q: (following suit): You’re the one buying her flowers!

D: I was at bakery!

Q: Buying her bread?

D (shouting): Buying ME Bread!!!

Brandon gets up, and puts a hand out to stop both of them, moving to the middle of the room.

B: Guys, guys, guys! (D and Q stop shouting). Okay, first thing, Quentin, there’s no girl, okay?

Q: B-but-

B: -He was buying bread-

Q: -But why was he at the flower store?

Brandon walks up to D, takes one finger and drags it down the side of D’s face, who just sits there, unmoving. He holds the flour he scraped off up to Q.

B: Flour.

Q’s eyes widen, his jaw visibly drops.

Q: Ohhh, I get it now. Flour. Flour flour! Like the bread! (Pauses for a moment, brow furrows. He looks at D). Wait, why wouldn’t you just call it a bakery?

Devon lets out a scream of frustration, shaking his hands as he speaks, the cloud of flour now getting worse

D: “Look, I forget one silly little word, alright? AAAh! I meant to put flour store, then I put flower store, and then I walked in and they were selling flowers and not flour. So then, right, cause I’m allergic to flowers, I start sneezing, and I’m walking out to get back to my car, and then I get hit by this truck, and there was a thingy of flour in the back, and it spilled on me!”

The room is quiet a moment.

Q: “He got hit by a truck?”

 Quentin looks at Brandon in confusion, while Brandon, hands on his temples, shakes his head.

B: “ Why was there a flour truck at the flower store?”

D; “He got it wrong too.”

B: “Got what wrong?”

D: “He put flour store too. See, man,” (Devon slaps Quentin on the knee, leaving a white handprint on Quentin’s pants. Quentin doesn’t notice.) “Common mistake.”

Q pauses for maybe half a second before he bursts out laughing, rolling back and forth on his couch.

D: Look, man, it’s not that funny.

Q: (Cackling) It totally is! Your both idiots!

D: No, it’s a reasonable, rational mistake anyone could make!

Q: Keep tellin’ yourself that. Oooh!

D: It’s not that funny!

B: It’s a little funny (he says it deadpan, and there’s a little grin twitching after a moment on the left side of his face. Or right. I couldn’t care less).

This sets D off, and he gets to his feet, stomping around the room, the cloud of flour getting worse. His arms are waving wildly. There is a giant white buttmark on the couch.

D (ranting, absolutely raving): “No, it’s not funny! My car is ruined! I drove to the bakery after to get my bread, and they were out of flour to make the bread! The delivery guy hit someone and lost his flour! They couldn’t even give me a little! Out of flour? Out of flour!! They could’ve made enough loaves to feed a village from what was in my car seat! My upholstery has yeast in it!”

Q: You could have offered them some.

He gestures vaguely in D’s direction. D screams in response, a shrill AAAAAh of frustration.

D: You think I didn’t try that! Look at me! I have enough to go around and back and around again. I have so much flour. So much! I have more flour than the flour stor- BAKERY!!!! (He pauses for a moment, completely still. Then, much quieter, he starts pacing around the room, muttering to himself. Yes, yes, yesyesyes.

Q: (turning to B): Did the truck hit his head?”

B: Nah, he’d be normal if that happened. Two negatives.

Q (Taps his nose, then points at B): Ah, PEMDAS. (He stops a moment, turning to D, who’s still muttering) What happened to you?

D (eyes crazed, turning to Q): Don’t you get it, it’s brilliant! If the flour store has no flour, they have no power.

The room is silent.

B: Did you understand that(to Q)?

Q: No, not at all.

D. Listen!! If the baker store can’t do the bakey bakey, they can’t make the money. They need the flour to bake. I have the flour. I win.

B: Still not following.

D (walks up to Brandon, grabs him by the shoulders, starts shaking him). Listen, boy! I have no need for those cretins. Don’t you get it? I can just make the bread now. I can make bread while the sun shines! All the bread I want! Infinite bread! I can become the flour store! I can become the muffin man! (As he is saying it, he clambers onto the table, opening his arms wide like some grand speech).

Q: You could’ve done all that before, right?

B:Yeah, flour’s like two bucks at Publix.

D: Silence, knaves! This is not just about the bread business, or the money business. This is the empire business! Those pitiful wretches at Marco’s Flour-Store-

Q (whispered): -Bak-

D: QUIET!!!!! (B & D shrink back from fear). See, those miserable goons wouldn’t give me their bread, then ha! They won’t have any bread left to give! Soon, they’ll be coming to me, begging for bread scrapsI

B: Pretty sure they’re called- (Quentin slowly reaches over and clamps his hand over B’s mouth)

D: I will be the Bread King!

Q: Ah, yes, sir, uh, Bread, may I ask a question?

D: Prithee tell, breadless boy.

Q: So, are you like, just gonna keep getting hit by their trucks? They still have more flour coming in. But you knew that.

D; uh, yes! I’ll steal all their flour trucks. I’ll be like Robin Hood, but with bread. (To make himself look more like Robin Hood, he flips up his hoodie hood, which, the whole time, has had a ton of flour in it. It fills the room). Bow before me.

All of the sudden, the doorbell rings. They all turn to look at the door. From behind it, the doorbell rings and a disembodied voice calls out.

Voice: Flower Delivery!

D (turns in shock to look at the door). My kingdom is growing already! (He runs to the door, trips, hits wall. He stumbles away> There is a silhouette of flour on the wall.)

Brandon steps up to the door, opens it, gives a quick thank you, takes something, hides it behind his back, tries to tiptoe out of the room.

D(crazed): You! What was that!

B: Uhhh, nothing?

D: Was that… flour?

Brandon shakes his head in annoyance and pulls out a bouquet of flowers. He walks over to Q and points at him, exasperated.

B: I’m the one that has a date tonight.

Q: Oh yeahhh, I remember now. With that girl who works at the bakery?

D: Whatdidyoujustsay? (Pauses for a moment). Are you going out with that evil woman? No! I forbid it!

B: Why?!

D: She wouldn’t give me my bread! No, absolutely not, you do not have my permi-

B(walks towards him, slaps him gently across the face with the bouquet of flowers) Allergies.

D (recoils, realizes what just happens. Horrified face +expression) NOOOO, what have you Done! Starts sneezing, runs out of room, bumps into wall on the way.